Warning: It’s about to get all kinds of judgey up in here, so if you are easily offended, don’t like the F-word, and think all us moms should hold hands and sing Kumbaya together, then you might want to stop reading right now. In today’s edition of “it’s my brain and I can think how I want to” I’m going after you middle-to-upper class moms who think your life is just so fucking hard. Read that again, MIDDLE TO UPPER, so if you’re not in that category, this does not apply to you, feel free to continue voicing your woes to all of Facebook-land.  I’m writing about this group in particular because this is the group the majority of my friends (real life or social media) fall into, and what I have the most experience in rolling my eyes over. Let me also add, that before you write me off as a smug asshole, I have been guilty of some of these offenses, and it quite honestly embarrasses me, because shit, we have it so fucking good.

I’ve noticed this trend lately of Mommy bloggers lamenting over how hard it is to be a mom. One in particular really set me off last week after several friends shared it and I just didn’t get it AT ALL. This mindset of how hard life is when we live in America with every goddamned convenience in the fucking world at our fingertips is just mind-blowing to me. FUCKING mind-blowing. Amazon Prime delivers anything and everything you could possibly want to your doorstep. We don’t have to leave the house for groceries, or entertainment, or for our 5 bottles of wine we drink weekly (ummmm…. yeah, that’s me.) Many of us use at least one of the following – a cleaning service, a lawn service, a babysitter, a handyman, a personal trainer – we are NOT doing it all ourselves. So please tell me, how the fuck you can explain that life is “hard?” We complain about entitled children, but it is we who are setting the example. We are raising entitled brats, because WE are entitled brats. Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t take advantage of these amazing conveniences, I’m not about to stop, but what we should do is start being grateful for them and being grateful for this very EASY life most of us have. Some parts of the world deal with war and hunger, here at home in the U.S. people don’t have clean water to drink, or a home to live in, while we’re over here complaining that we paid for 1-day shipping, and it took 2. Please stop being an asshole, and think before you complain how hard life is.  So here it is, in no particular order, the 7 things we upper-middle class moms need to STFU about.

1. All the activities. We get it, it can be annoying to haul one kid to dance class, drop another at soccer, and then wait while the last has his piano lesson, but guess what – you don’t have to do it! That’s right folks, it’s ok if your kids don’t do tons of activities, it’s ok if they don’t do ANY. You chose to sign them up for this crap, don’t whine when you have to haul them around. Ask your kid if they want to do all the shit you signed them up for, chances are they couldn’t care less, so fuck it. Kids learn plenty, and are plenty stimulated from simply playing outside, playing pick-up games with their friends, putting on concerts in the basement, using their imaginations. I have my kids enrolled in a couple of activities (ones they couldn’t give 2 shits about) but you won’t hear me complaining about having to take them there, because I made my bed. You know who else isn’t complaining about having to haul their kids around? The mom who doesn’t have a car and has to take a bus to work every day. You have it pretty good, dontcha?
2. The price of luxury items. This one hits close to home because my photography is a luxury item and I hear plenty of off-handed remarks about how pricey I am or how the price of photography is “ridiculous.” Well, sorry to break it to you, you don’t NEED my item. Professional photography is a luxury, not a need, not a right, and I can charge whatever I think my skills and time are worth. It’s not just photography, I see posts asking for recommendations for “reasonable” landscapers, or “inexpensive” custom cakes, or “cheap” painters. Again, these are luxury items, you can do these things yourself if you’re really wanting to save money, but you’re paying for the luxury of not having to do them, and for a job done well by a professional. You know who isn’t price shopping for a custom cake? The mom in Flint, MI who doesn’t have clean water for her kids to drink. Saving $10 is really fucking important, right?
3. Needing “me” time. We all like our alone time, time away from the kids, away from the husbands, away from the every day. So, take it. Instead of posting, “I just need a few hours to myself,” stop being a martyr, hand your kids over to your husband, or a neighbor, or a family member, or go ahead and splurge for a babysitter (because again, we’re talking about upper-middle class America) and go lie in the park with a good book for a few hours, go have lunch with a girlfriend, go get a massage. Whatever. I get that kids can be exhausting, but build that time in for a break, so you don’t turn into a resentful bitch, or sound like a whiny douche on Twitter. You know who isn’t complaining about needing “me time,” the mom who lives in a one room tent in Bangladesh. Don’t be an asshole.
4. Being fat. I’m using your words, not mine, because I never would call myself or anyone “fat.” There are so many things wrong with this particular complaint. First, you’re setting your kids up for a lifetime of struggles with their own bodies because you’re not comfortable in yours. Look back on my post I’m Pretty and I Know It for more on that, because I could potentially go off on a huge tangent. Second, what kind of reaction do you expect to gain from a post about being unhappy with your body? Are you fishing for compliments? Are you genuinely asking for help? What is the purpose of these self-deprecating posts? Third, I’m pretty sure most people know how to lose weight and get healthy. It’s not fucking rocket science. Eat better, exercise more. There is no magic pill, no super power that can do it for you. You want to get healthy/lose weight?  DO IT, stop complaining about all the things you hate about your body. You know who isn’t complaining about losing weight, starving people in Yemen. Again, think about that next time you want to write a crybaby post about your body.
5. Lack of Sleep. I am definitely guilty of this one, but come on, suck it up buttercup. Yes, the 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep is out the window for some time when you become a mother, but I have no advice other than, DEAL WITH IT. That’s what caffeine is for. Drink coffee, put on your concealer, pull up your big girl panties and face the day. No one wants to hear about how tired you are, we all are, get over it and learn to live on less sleep. You know who should complain about being tired? The single mom who works 2 jobs to put food on the table and then comes home to bathe, feed, and play with her kids. YOU don’t even know what tired is.
6. Being offended by anything and everything people say about your kids or your parenting. This one annoys the absolute shit out of me. EVERY DAY I read some sort of post that went viral about someone who offered up some unsolicited advice to a mom and she was just so “offended” because that stranger doesn’t know their circumstances, and shouldn’t be so quick to judge, and blah blah blah. Newsflash, people – those little old ladies who say things like “wow, you have your hands full” or “isn’t he old enough to walk?” have no mal-intent, they are making conversation, they are thinking back to when they were younger and had little ones just like you.  Maybe instead of being so fucking insulted and posting about your infuriating experience on Facebook, just nod and smile and move on with your day. You know who may love some advice from a little old lady? The motherless teenage mom who has no one to look to for motherly advice. Stop being a dick.
7. Vaccinations, Eating Organic, Breastfeeding/Not Breastfeeding. I’m grouping these all together because I feel like these kinds of posts are usually posted by the same kinds of entitled bitches. I’m not getting into what is right and wrong, because there isn’t a right and wrong. These are all choices we are very fortunate to have as parents in America today. Before you get on your high horse about any one of these topics, just think about how lucky you are to have such options and choices. There aren’t debates like these going on in Sudan, they’re just trying to stay alive.

There you have it. Next time you think about posting something whiny, ask yourself, “do I sound like an entitled douche bag?” If that answer is yes, check your gratefulness meter and try again.

Photo by Balee Images

Shaindel of Raw Sugar Photography is an Indianapolis newborn photographer located in Raleigh, NC. Shaindel creates quality timeless images of your babies, family portraits, newborn moments and all the days in between. Serving Indianapolis, Fishers, Carmel and surrounding communities.